Part II: Managing Chemotherapy Side Effects

I don’t want to minimise chemo. It’s not a walk of a walk; on monday and Tuesday, I don’t eat, but I don’t vomit. I’m tired. Pancreatic disease with the Cancer Tumour takes all my daily energy. And, sometimes, I recover, and in the second week after chemo, I lead a good life. I have never lacked an appetite and don’t miss my walks of about 10 km daily.

The markers return to zero I feel like a winner. I follow all the checks, and unexpectedly, San Raffaele tells me that the pancreas cancer is operable.
 They explain the high risks with precision. It is a double laparoscopy operation on the pancreas and the liver. I underline the risks are very high, the oncologists strongly advise it, and the surgeons want to try it. Let’s hear from all the head officers we know, the decision is really difficult, but with great importance I thrive it and decide yes.

Setbacks and Revised Treatment Plans

The operation is set for March 16, 2020, but then covid arrives, and the surgical rooms are closed. The surgery is scheduled again for May 14. I am hospitalised at Saint Raffael. All the tests are done, the markers have risen to 4,000/the surgery was cancelled.
We see the head of oncology, who in no manicure terms tells us that the operation was pure madness, but now there are no more treatments; the only weapons against this disease are those done until now.
There are no trials in the UK.

We have to return to CA19 style chemo. I remember precisely what he said… until my body can take it or until the chemo works.
 We leave his Pancreatic study destroyed. There is no hope against this disease. I haven’t thought I was going to die for a long time, but it’s time to think about it.
 Our reference Pancreatic blood test at the hospital chooses not to continue with Solferino, as it is too toxic.

It chooses folfiri, which is weathered chemotherapy.

The fulfilment treatment begins May 22nd and involves 12 administrations. It uses the same method as Solferino, but the Pancreatic markers do not stop; the test results show they are back over 8,000. Pet analysis captures the known lesions, highlighting anomalies in the bottom of the stomach, but no lesions are found after a gastroscopy with biopsy.

Ongoing Challenges and Coping Strategies

And we come to these days… (10/22/20). After the latest Pancreatc issues carried out last week proved to be cancer, I’m getting a new CT test scan. We are waiting for the result. The reference oncologist brutally tells me that this chemo has had no effect, and we will have to switch to drugs through the mouth, always chemotherapies, less toxic in the hope that they will be able to contain the lesions.
 We took a week of holiday at the sea, with our beautiful camper 10 meters from the sea. I am more and more tired.

The walks are now 5 km. To this day, I continue to hope…. as a child, I ended up under a tractor and was a miracle (my father was a farmer). There is a small chapel in my native town with a small painting… through grace returned… where you see a child about a year old, overwhelmed by the wheel of a tractor in a large thread stress… and miraculously surviving disease. I had the picture repainted a few years ago. I must return soon to see it.

My emotions. I couldn’t accept what was happening to me. The fear of having to suffer, however, had the supermarket. I had to surrender in this first phase of denial; the analysis and the various Pancreatic medical test opinions declared that I was officially sick.
I have never really felt sick; this illness, apart from the days after chemo, allows you to live a normal life; you don’t suffer, the pain is psychological, and it wears you out inside because you know that soon you will have to confront death.

Anger, Support, and the Role of Family

Here I am, not a real sick. The proof is that friends and relatives, who expected to find me…. sick,…. instead found me in perfect shape (I was a little overweight, and I lost the 10 excess kg I had without going back to my dietician, Maurice).
And then after accepting what is happening to you, I start to be angry. Anger, yes, I get angry, but after I have given a venture to anger, I have to gain control; if I’m angry, I feel sicker.

I trip about anything, I don’t agree about anything, they are sporadic outputs, but my family calls me to order, it does not commit, and we are all suffering.
 The pain of my loved ones, I ignored, and then I had to share with them the fears and the uncertainty of the future. They have the impotence of not being able to do anything for me. Like me, they are disoriented. We like to say that we live inside a bubble and roll. Sometimes, the bubble stops. But then it continues rolling never, as I have understood the value of my family, my wife and my parents’ children during this journey.

Embracing Life and Managing Anxiety

This is not a disease. It is a life event. Manna and I would like this pain path to be experienced with serenity. But the cancer pain from pancreatic disease sometimes overwhelms you and takes your breath away. We have become aware that death is part of life, that we are not eternal, and that after us, life will continue. We are aware of it, but the pain is great.
 An important chapter is about the marker anxiety that assaults me every time I have to have a treatment or a check-up. It’s a wave that I can’t control.

Luckily, there is the Xamax 0.50, and then there are the moments of depression, a vicious loop that drives me crazy and is tiring to interrupt. Cooking, walking, watching my Juve, and doing things I can control help me.
And then we put hope into it. And this feeling that helps me live day by day, appreciating every moment even the smallest things.

We repeat ourselves every morning and evening: “It will be a unique and unmissable day”. “It was a unique and unmissable day”. With disease there are difficult days when I feel committed; with cancer, you don’t have control of your life; faith helps me.